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Inner Child

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Several years ago, at the Burning Man festival, a sculpture was erected of two distressed adults; both seated with their backs to one another, heads in their hands. The figures were fashioned with a wire-like material, thus, making them transparent.

 

On the interior of both adult representations was a small illuminated child. While the adults faced away from one another, the inner children faced towards each other, their arms extended out, reaching for embrace.

 

This is one of my all-time favorite works of art, and like all art, it’s open to interpretation. Each admirer with a different take, and their own personal connection and symbolism to the piece.

 

To me, the sculpture conveys the idea that often, as adults we carry baggage, the responsibilities of adulthood in conjunction with our own meandering experience often leaves us damaged, and jaded. Particularly in regards, (but not limited to) romantic relationships.

 

We often tend to shut down instead of saying the words that need to be said. Both partners grow distant and stubborn, silenced by their pride, yet their inner children yearn to be loved, they yearn for freedom from the self-inflicted prisons imposed by their older selves…they yearn to play.

 

When it comes to conflict, often at times children work towards resolution in a much more functional and sensible way then their older counterparts. While adults tend to revel in resentment, children do not. Adults often cut ties and sever relationships in fear of becoming noticeably vulnerable, or in order to protect their own ego. At times, the argument resurrects from something senseless, and ultimately deemed as irrelevant once the damage is done.

 

Children haven’t yet been tainted by the world, they act on instinct. They do what feels right, they don’t consider similar situations that have happened in the past, or fear situations that may, or may not happen in the future. They truly live in the moment.

 

When it comes to children, arguments aren’t amplified by personal insecurities and irrational fears. Arguments are just arguments, and they’re often just as ridiculous as the adult versions of these. However, instead of bottling their feelings inside, and shutting the other person out, they verbalize their pain. They apologize to one another, share a fruit snack, and move on with their fucking day. In my opinion, a much more constructive and effective tactic.

 

As adults, we envy their sense of innocence, and value their honesty. They experience the world in a much more beautiful way then we do. As much as we admire their tactics we don’t endorse them on a personal or in an applicable manor. However, even (or especially) as adults, many of us tend to be attracted to those who bring out our inner child; to those who promote a sense of fun in otherwise dull situations. Those who remind us of the enjoyment and nostalgia of childhood, those who “play” with us.

 

This attributes greatly to the importance of play in the BDSM realm. Although in adult play there is a sexual undertone, the concept is the same. It is a healthy outlet for many adults, and it is an opportunity to allow our inner children to play. In those moments of escapism, we are free of responsibilities and judgment, we are free to let go of resentment and anger in an alternative way. We are no longer adults weighed down the world, but rather spirits free to explore it.

 

At times the play takes on a certain scenario or role (otherwise known as roleplay). It’s actually quite common to play out scenes from childhood, coined traditionally by therapists as reenactment. At other times, it’s less regimented with an understanding of likes and limits and both parties are free within that scenario. No matter how you prefer to play, in BDSM or any other area that it could be implemented, the point is, to play! Let that inner child free and you’ll be astounded by the benefits reaped by your adult self.

 

The Siren

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In Greek mythology, the term “siren” is used to describe a beautiful, mythical, sea creature. As legend has it, these allusive beings would use their feminine appearance and angelic voices to lure sailors off their ships and into the sea. Once the siren had the sailor in her grasp, she would then drag him to his demise at the depths of the ocean.

According to ancient folklore, these majestic monsters were notorious among the sailors. A known threat to any man that navigated the sea. However, despite warnings, these exquisite creatures continued to entice sailors to their impending death.

 

The ideology behind sirens may be quite mysterious in itself, but it’s no mystery why these men would fall victim to them. Beautiful females have always had a way of tapping into a man’s inner most desires and extracting a certain weakness. Although there are different variations of what the intent of the siren may have been, the allure and imagery remains consistent.

 

Historians believe that the conception of sirens (better known today as mermaids) was originally created as a result of sailors abandoning ship to engage in sex with manatees…you read that right, they were fucking manatees. Evidentially, the genitalia of manatees are very similar to that of a woman, (now whoever was the first to discover this, I don’t want to know), however, with that being said, it would often result in the sailor drowning.

 

Nonetheless, this is nothing more than a popular theory, there would be no way to solidify it as fact. However, you take a group of men, stranded at sea for months on end, drunk out of their minds, and completely sex deprived, and it suddenly doesn’t seem so farfetched.

 

Regardless of the actual origins of the mythology, sirens were considered to be absolutely malevolent, and the deceased men were considered hero’s (you know, the typical bullshit).

 

In today’s culture, the term siren has been replaced by mermaid, and siren took on a different terminology. For those that don’t know, a siren is defined as an exceptionally attractive woman who uses her sexual prowess and mental aptitude to effortlessly induce men into a state of submission and often, utter euphoria.

 

One of the most famous sirens to date would be none other than the infamous Marilyn Monroe. The voluptuous blonde bombshell flourished in film industry during Hollywood’s golden era, but that only came second to her apparent promiscuity and scandalous reputation.

 

Although she’s been dead now for half a century, her legend exceeds her. She was known to utilize her sweet, serine voice and good looks to seduce men, and she was damn good at it. so good in fact, that she was able to seduce not only the president of the United States, but his brother as well.

 

Tabloids back in those days operated much like the ones we are accustomed to today, the papers would slander Marilyn’s name, while somehow downplaying President Kennedys role in the allegations. Although it was never “proven” that the two engaged in an affair, it was highly speculated and scrutinized at that time. Today, it’s more widely accepted as fact, or at the very least, likelihood. This is in part due to JFKs known sexual escapades.

 

Marilyn wasn’t the first to use her sexuality in this way. The idea of these freethinking women date back to ancient Egypt.  Cleopatra being quite the siren herself; but as society began to transform in a detrimental way, and stigmas began to be implemented, standards changed in order to define woman as the weaker sex. Culture indefinitely transformed the natural ordinance, and by the time Marilyn rose to fame in the 1950’s women were solidified in a role that prohibited any sexuality or liberation at all.

 

Marilyn managed to own her sexuality without exploiting it.  She set a new standard, constituting her as somewhat of a modern pioneer. Although it did revolutionize feminism in its own right (although some might argue it inhibited in), it more significantly ignited a confidence to sexuality that women of that era were previously foreign to.

 

Although much has changed since the days of mandating women to wear body suits to the beach, the stigma behind the sultry seductresses that dare to embrace their sexuality has not. Marilyn paved a path that few are granted access to, and fewer yet dare to venture. However, that road is obstructed by judgments and objectifications created by those that only stare from the sidelines.

 

The sad truth behind this, is that it’s not even about the actual act of sex, (although, it does have a similar stigma). It’s about the idea of it, an idea that a fortunate few not only possess, but absolutely emulate. These women may be considered an archetype of sorts, but it’s an image, and set of characteristics that they not only exhibit, but fully own.

 

The condemnation, (which continues to this day) is nothing more than the result of the insecurities of those around them. And insecurities are usually a product of fear. This particular angst is constructed by jealousy and the failure of understanding.

 

Some don’t understand the nature of sexuality, or outdated religious or cultural beliefs prevent them from doing so. For others, it’s simply a reflection of a personal fear, regarding one’s own sexuality, and for the rest, it’s an ignorance or defiance of understanding. Fearing another person for something so natural is not only ridiculous, but it’s ignorant.

 

the truth is that a fear so evident and penetrating, in reality, can only be counter-productive. when you fear a person, what you’re actually doing is giving your power to them. Sirens, by nature, are an incredibly powerful force all on their own, so they’re going to absorb it like water to a fucking sponge.

 

The truth is, being so confident, and so honest with yourself is a beautiful thing. Sexuality is a natural part of the human condition. I love the ability that I have, and I have absolutely no shame in this facet of myself, and neither should anyone else. It’s something that congratulated rather than condemned.

 

So, to all my powerful, fellow sirens, and the sailors that choose to chart the unknown, enjoy the adventure. Sometimes finding yourself in the grip of the siren may be scary, but there’s no excitement in familiarity. Let them take you below the surface of the mundane, and reel in the magnificence of the ecstasy.  Reality may take you to a place that your mind previously didn’t dare to wonder. And for those that chose to pass judgment on the shore, close your mouth if you don’t want to swallow the sand.

Psychological Domination

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You mumble inaudibly as you bite down on the gag, eagerly anticipating my next move. I drop the cane on the floor, the sound startles you more than the impact itself would have. I grab you by your hair and whisper in your ear, “not so tough now, are you?”

Even if there wasn’t a piece of plastic inhibiting your speech you wouldn’t of said a word. I slowly began to loosen the tightly bound rope around your wrists. I knew I had conquered you.

You came in so self-assured, so confident. Tense, defiant, completely over-inflated and under-aware. A self-anointed alfa, I was determined to break you, and I did…. I laughed, as I sent you on your way.

A few weeks had passed since then, and honestly, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you. Although I was successful in sending you into a surreal subspace I was also exceedingly aware of your preconceived notions. The cultural credence that you are so invested in. The idea that women are somehow inferior to men, (obviously, we have vastly different views on the subject).

Yet, here you are, begging to come see me. Begging to submit. I contemplate a bit before agreeing. I didn’t appreciate the brash way you had approached me upon our first meeting. However, I did find it thrilling to turn the tables so effortlessly…so I agree.

You approach me noticeably more compliant then you had previously been. Not a word exchanged, but your demeanor tells me everything I need to know. I intently locked eyes with you, and with one stern snap of my fingers you are kneeling before me. I’m pleased.

I knew your new-found submission had nothing to do with the physical control I could have exhibited. For you it was mental. The truth is that you could have physically over powered me if you truly desired. You had at least 50 pounds and 6 inches in your favor, but that wasn’t what was diverting you, I had over powered you…just in a much more profound way. It was the psychology of it all that sent you to your knees, and this is where I found satisfaction.

People tend assume that my job revolves around beating people into submission, and although that does happen from time to time, it’s only the tip of the iceberg. A very small percentage of people are into intense physical pain, and as I am an extreme advocate of consensual play, I seldom get to venture.

However, it’s the psychological domination that you truly crave. This is the addictive component that you can’t get enough of. Anyone can use physical restraint to prevail, it’s the mental prowess that will leave you defenseless.

I say it all the time, but the art of domination is only about 10% physical, the other 90% is mental. There is something beautiful about the ability to make someone submit without malicious intent. It’s about manipulating the situation without imprecisely injuring the individual. The satisfaction isn’t in leaving someone psychologically weak and physically deflated. It’s about inspiring them to give into you completely, to get them to submit entirely with every essence of their being.

Regardless of how it may appear from the outside, it isn’t about imprisoning the subservient partner, it’s about freeing them in ways they couldn’t previously conceptualize. It’s not about rescinding previous beliefs it’s about disassembling them, and constructing something new entirely. Psychological domination is an art, and when demonstrated decorously it breaks down barriers, and is absolutely liberating.

Honest Insight

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I fasten a collar around your neck and drag you to your knees, forcing you on all fours. You shake with anticipation as I circle you, like a predator stalking its prey. My fingers glide down the small of your back, sending shivers down your spine.

My eyes lock yours, and in that moment, I know you are mine. Your vulnerability excites me, it’s what I came for. I know I could have you in any way I wanted you. The exchange of power leads to an undeniable intimacy. I could take advantage of you.

The intensity is palpable. I could have you doing things you previously denied. Things you would find electrifying in the moment but would ultimately leave you feeling dejected. As exhilarating as I may find the concept, I would never damage you in that way.

There is an implicit trust that is implied in our play, it’s delicate, and the line is thin. Although we may teeter, we both know, if we were to ever cross it, it would be detrimental. BDSM isn’t about un-complied activities dictated by the domme, or glorified abuse. It’s about conviction and consent. The interactions that evolve from play are often some of the most beneficial.

DS relationships have the potential to heal very deep wounds. They can build trust, enhance confidence, and often tend to create loving, profound, and lasting bonds. They are fun and adventurous, with the ability to produce not only a deeper understanding of your partner, but yourself as well.

However, abuse is a common misconception. The truth of the matter is that responsible adults in the BDSM community tend to stick to the “safe, sane, and consensual” school of thought. This precept is arguably the most acknowledged motto amongst the community. However, once you begin to venture out of the small circle and reach a broader crowd you realize that the term BDSM becomes synonymous with the “Fifty Shades of Grey” trilogy.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I never read the novels (though I did attempt it). The reason for this is partially due to the abysmal style of writing, and partially due to the erroneous message. My knowledge is limited to the film, which I found equally defective.

This of course is merely my humble opinion. My real issue is not that I found the franchise poorly executed, but rather that the dominant character, Christian Grey is an obvious manipulator and abuser. What is even more disturbing is that this is what is considered a staple and a socially accepted notion of BDSM.

In and out of the community there is a fair amount of acknowledgment regarding the abuse inflicted on the submissive character Anastasia. Christian uses his social prowess in conjunction with methodical methods of financial manipulation to force Anastasia into submission. Although this may appear consensual, it’s anything but.

Contriving the concept of consent doesn’t make it consensual. This blog isn’t intended to be a review of Fifty Shades of Grey, but rather a commentary on the misinformation provided, and an honest glimpse into what it means to be in a DS relationship.

Play shouldn’t be an imprisonment for the submissive, it should be freeing and fulfilling. It should be compassionate, not confining. Play should promote self-love and wellbeing, not self-hate and devastation. It should be mentally, emotionally, and psychologically healing. The only pain that should take play, is the physical kind. It should leave marks on your ass, not your psych…as long as you’re into that sort of thing.