I fasten a collar around your neck and drag you to your knees, forcing you on all fours. You shake with anticipation as I circle you, like a predator stalking its prey. My fingers glide down the small of your back, sending shivers down your spine.

My eyes lock yours, and in that moment, I know you are mine. Your vulnerability excites me, it’s what I came for. I know I could have you in any way I wanted you. The exchange of power leads to an undeniable intimacy. I could take advantage of you.

The intensity is palpable. I could have you doing things you previously denied. Things you would find electrifying in the moment but would ultimately leave you feeling dejected. As exhilarating as I may find the concept, I would never damage you in that way.

There is an implicit trust that is implied in our play, it’s delicate, and the line is thin. Although we may teeter, we both know, if we were to ever cross it, it would be detrimental. BDSM isn’t about un-complied activities dictated by the domme, or glorified abuse. It’s about conviction and consent. The interactions that evolve from play are often some of the most beneficial.

DS relationships have the potential to heal very deep wounds. They can build trust, enhance confidence, and often tend to create loving, profound, and lasting bonds. They are fun and adventurous, with the ability to produce not only a deeper understanding of your partner, but yourself as well.

However, abuse is a common misconception. The truth of the matter is that responsible adults in the BDSM community tend to stick to the “safe, sane, and consensual” school of thought. This precept is arguably the most acknowledged motto amongst the community. However, once you begin to venture out of the small circle and reach a broader crowd you realize that the term BDSM becomes synonymous with the “Fifty Shades of Grey” trilogy.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I never read the novels (though I did attempt it). The reason for this is partially due to the abysmal style of writing, and partially due to the erroneous message. My knowledge is limited to the film, which I found equally defective.

This of course is merely my humble opinion. My real issue is not that I found the franchise poorly executed, but rather that the dominant character, Christian Grey is an obvious manipulator and abuser. What is even more disturbing is that this is what is considered a staple and a socially accepted notion of BDSM.

In and out of the community there is a fair amount of acknowledgment regarding the abuse inflicted on the submissive character Anastasia. Christian uses his social prowess in conjunction with methodical methods of financial manipulation to force Anastasia into submission. Although this may appear consensual, it’s anything but.

Contriving the concept of consent doesn’t make it consensual. This blog isn’t intended to be a review of Fifty Shades of Grey, but rather a commentary on the misinformation provided, and an honest glimpse into what it means to be in a DS relationship.

Play shouldn’t be an imprisonment for the submissive, it should be freeing and fulfilling. It should be compassionate, not confining. Play should promote self-love and wellbeing, not self-hate and devastation. It should be mentally, emotionally, and psychologically healing. The only pain that should take play, is the physical kind. It should leave marks on your ass, not your psych…as long as you’re into that sort of thing.